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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25298422">I Say "We'll Try," I Thought We Could</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kycantina/pseuds/kycantina'>kycantina</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Introspection, M/M, Songfic, can u tell I hated wayward son, impending breakup</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:36:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25298422</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kycantina/pseuds/kycantina</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"But how long do you plan to keep me in the back of your mind?"</p><p>Simon and Baz haven’t broken up yet, but it makes no difference.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Say "We'll Try," I Thought We Could</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> [What happened then, happened then </em>
</p><p>
  <em> There's no use in recap] </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Simon and Baz haven't broken up yet, that's how Penny sees it. It's far more accurate than saying they're still together, which implies far too many things. There is no lost love, no valiant, hard won fight for each other. No forgiveness, no extra affection set aside. Nothing to tell that they don't know each other. Penny would like to think that they don't know <em> how </em> to be together, after over a decade of death threats and plotting, they can't relax, can't let a guard down for the other. The truth is that they were too young, too unwilling to change and grow and bend, for once in their lives. All their fight had been spent just by initially getting together, they'd run out of rope after <em> days </em> together, even if they won't admit it. Twin flames till the very end, a sinking ship as the band played on. Penelope has known this all along, kept it down for Simon's sake. Her best friend was finally happy, why couldn't she be happy for them? Penny's waited far too long to say anything, far too long to say "can't you see this is unhealthy?". They know anyways, there's nothing she can do now. Simon and Baz haven't broken up yet, but they may as well already be separated.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> [You said that you gave your best </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And you think maybe it's time] </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Simon is sick of waiting to tell Baz it's over, sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's tired of waking up every day knowing he's not in love, feeling Baz's unconditional adoration and giving nothing in return but affection past its sell-by date and an empty excuse for lust. He's far too ready for it all to end in flames, has been from the beginning. They'd rushed through it, skipped all of the important conversations. Straight to the deep end, straight to being terrible boyfriends and kissers and falling asleep in each other’s arms. Simon is sick of the endless back and forth, of never touching, of never leaving each other’s solar system. Of being kept at a distance. Simon’s sick and tired of being with Baz, of orbiting, a recurring witness to his tragedy.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> [But how long do you plan </em>
</p><p>
  <em> To keep me in the back of your mind?] </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Baz can’t stand Simon not loving him anymore, can’t stand whatever’s buried between them. He’d mourned the loss of their rivalry, left it flowers before wishing it farewell. When he was a teenager, Baz thought nothing could be worse than loving someone who wouldn’t, couldn’t love him back. Nothing worse than Simon Snow, than being unable to look away from such a car crash of a person. These days, nothing is worse than his absence, than looking over when something stupid happens in class or at a party to see if he’s laughing and remembering that Simon’s not there. He hasn’t been there in so long, not by Baz’s side, not in Baz’s bed, not in his head or heart half as much as he should be. Baz is so desperate, so lonely in love. He'd rather hate Snow, resurrect their ties from within a burning forest. It would be easier this way.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> [For someday, maybe next time, oh] </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Simon wants to keep Baz in a bottle, to keep him, this soft and uncertain against his mouth, arched against his fingertips. And, well? For once he isn't tired of them, of needing something to hold onto. He's not sure if he wants to leave them here- in the bed of a truck, wings out and eyes open. If they could just stay like <em> this </em> , in bumfuck nowhere Nebraska. In a forest in Hampshire, in all the unsustainable, fleeting spaces between Baz’s hands. If they could remain, maybe Simon would be able to stomach it, swallow whatever was stopping him from holding on. This isn’t good enough for Baz, <em> he </em> isn’t good enough for Baz, an uncomfortable truth that Simon knows all too well. Baz has his shit together, Baz has a degree, Baz knows he is, and Simon- well. He’s Simon, famously never in one place or one piece for too long. And what’s he to do? Baz doesn’t deserve this. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> [I start to cry, you're reaching out </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I let you in, you're leaving now] </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Baz bides his time, leeches every last bit of affection out of what’s left. It didn’t take him too long to get used to being the needy one, in the beginning it would’ve killed him (a lot of things used to kill him back then- moles he’d sworn to kiss every night when he went to bed and again when he woke up the next morning. Bronze curls. The list goes on.) It’s hard <em> not </em> to be the needy one when things are… like this. Baz has gotten used to asking, to pushing. He’d always considered himself a taker. He’d taken his mother’s legacy and her life, he’d taken Agatha’s affection, hell, he’d even taken Simon’s- <em> and yet </em>. And yet. And yet here he was, waiting for death in a motel room, waiting for a kiss, for a touch, for reassurance, for something. Something in the back of Baz’s mind tells him that if he wanted it badly enough it would come to him, if he could really bear to keep Simon for only a little while longer, to take any of the love they have left and pocket it, store it away for the months (years) it’ll take Baz to get over this. It’s not like he doesn’t have options, there were plenty of boys at Watford and uni to keep him busy for a good long time. He just needs to take a deep breath, to set his sights higher. It’s what his mother would’ve wanted, it’s what Fiona (and the rest of his family) want. If he has to be gay he may as well be happy, he may as well be loved and feel it. This whole goddamned situation, Simon himself, is a blip, a short detour from everything he’d needed. Sure, he’d loved Simon, he always had. He’d wanted to be with Simon, but this was beyond that. Baz needed to straighten himself out, to close back up. He needed to break Simon’s heart before Simon could break his. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> [I scream, "This is not the end!" </em>
</p><p>
  <em> 'Cause I could,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> and you hurt me 'cause you should] </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Simon and Baz haven’t broken up yet. It takes Penny a while to notice, after all they’re acting like they’ve never met each other, and she can’t help but feel that it’s all a dreadful waste. They’d been so good together, for a while at least. While she’d initially been skeptical, she hadn’t thought their relationship would end this <em> quietly </em>. She’d expected storming out and yelling and crying and midnight phone calls and slamming doors, and that their trip would just delay the inevitable. Penny hadn’t expected separate beds and silence. Simon and Baz haven’t broken up yet, but it makes no difference.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> [Yeah, you should,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I said "we'll try," I thought we could </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I thought we could,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> you said you would] </em>
</p>
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